How to Deal With a Person in Pain or Facing Adversity

Watching a friend or loved one go through adversity isn’t easy. Not only does it tear on our heartstrings but also it can make us uncomfortable.

While we might rather deny it, an awkward truth is that sometimes another person’s “illness” (whether that is of body, mind or spirit) makes us ill at ease. We wonder what to say or not say. We worry about having nothing to say. We might even prefer not to think about their situation because it hits too close to home — we’d rather their pain not sully our life’s picture of security, order and happiness. This does not make us bad; it simply makes us human.

For those of us who are not professional counselors or therapists, it’s totally natural for of us to draw a blank, or even insert foot in mouth, when forced to confront head on a person who is in pain or struggling to hold it together. Having said that, it doesn’t necessarily help the situation. So here are a few tips for interacting with someone who is dealing with adversity, whether it’s a health concern, the death of a loved one, a financial problem, a crisis of faith, or any other of life’s myriad challenges.

1. “Don’t worry. It will all work out. I know it will.” Sorry, but while you may hope that this is the case, you don’t actually know that it will be the case. People in pain don’t need wish fulfillment; they need support. What’s more, they cling to reliable information. If you can offer this, great. If you can’t, find another way to be helpful. For instance trying telling them, “I’m here for you through thick and thin. I’ll do whatever I can to help you work through this.” Also, listen. Be a resource. Help them put together a plan. Your affection and availability is so much more helpful than your aspiration of certainty.

2. “Everything happens for a reason.” Or, “We’re only given what we can handle.” While you may believe this, others may not; and even if they did previously, adversity can call such a powerful principle into question. Best not to project your own beliefs and values onto others. This is especially true for people facing betrayal, loss or injustice. Be present. Be a steward in helping them to find something meaningful and directive about the situation. Don’t try to be God.

3. “Someone always has it worse. Just think about…(name your cause).” Having patience and maintaining perspective is an essential part of dealing with challenge and adversity; but it doesn’t come easy. People in the midst of pain typically don’t want hear about other people’s pain…at least just now. And reminding them that there are others who are suffering, especially more than they are usually just results in trying their patience and causing them frustration. Validating a person’s feelings of pain, fear, injustice, etc. isn’t indulgent and won’t necessarily make them into a martyr. What is most helpful is allowing those who are in pain to be sad, mad, outraged, cry — to express their emotions. In fact, a huge part of getting through adversity and building resilience is learning to ride the waves of emotions, allowing them to come and go as they will. If at some point you see that a loved one is staying in the trough of those waves, remaining down more than they are up, then you could suggest that it might be time to talk to a professional mental health counselor.

4. “I know what you’re going through.” Do you really? Have you actually been through the same set of circumstances that this person has? Or are you projecting your own experiences onto their situation. Situations are rarely exactly the same; however, emotions are similar. We all feel fear, anger, sadness, guilt, joy, relief, satisfaction, and so on. It’s important when interacting with someone in pain or dealing with adversity to first listen to their story, their experience, and their emotional challenges. Allowing a person to be heard is one of the best healers we can offer. Then, and only then, is it helpful to share snippets of your experience, doing so to show of empathy — a way to say, “You’re not alone,” not as a way to trump or minimize theirs.

5. “Don’t be negative. Be positive. Think happy thoughts.” While wallowing isn’t necessarily the most effective path for healing, let’s not forget that adversity and tragedy isn’t a positive experience. Trying to hide a person’s pain behind forced feelings happiness isn’t going to make the pain go away. It’s only going to make it come out in other ways. “Be positive,” and other platitudes like it, are often just a way to fill an awkward silence when we simply don’t know what to say. Instead of espousing the “be happy” line, how about trying to be honest. It’s okay — and often more helpful — to say to someone in pain, “I wish I knew what to say to you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Let me know what I can do to help.”

Watching a friend or loved one go through adversity isn’t easy. And sometimes we don’t know what to say or how to engage them; sometimes we wish we didn’t have to. But knowing how to do this will make the process easier, and ensure that our relationship not only stays in tact, but also perhaps even strengthens.

The Disheartening Effects of Heart Disease

February is heart health month, and everyone is all a flutter with wellness tips for how to keep your heart strong and advocacy campaigns designed to raise awareness so that we can eradicate heart disease. But what about heart “dis-ease”? What about the emotional effects of heart disease?

Here’s some breaking news: Heart disease isn’t only deadly, it’s also disheartening. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 15-20 percent of cardiac patients suffer depression after a heart attack, or a diagnosis of heart disease. Likewise, Reuters reports that the risk for suicide tripled in the month following a heart attack, and remained elevated for at least five years. Then there is also the untold number who “go it alone” in fearful, sad silence not wanting the stigma of depression or the appearance of weakness.

Having said that, we don’t have to be clinically depressed to be emotionally distressed. For many of us, in fact for most of us, a diagnosis of heart disease, like any other disease or life challenge, plainly and simply leaves us dispirited: the shock of it stops us dead in our tracks and leaves us searching for a direction forward. Moreover, it shakes up our certainty about life and our place in it. Heart disease doesn’t merely challenge our mortality, but also our meaning, motivation, and momentum, and this can be equally as difficult.

So what are some heart-smart tips for dealing with the emotional effects of heart disease? Give these a shot; they worked for me in the wake of my heart attacks.

1. Ride the waves of emotion. Allow your feelings, whatever they may be, to come and go, monitoring both their duration and effects. Doing so will open you up, rather than keep you shutdown, and give you the time and safe space you need to shake off the shock and numbness often caused by a cardiac event or diagnosis of heart disease. Keep a diary of when you feel certain emotions. Record what percentage of your time is spent on each one, both the duration and frequency. Take note of what times of day, what places, and what contexts bring on negative emotions and positive emotions. Find activities that maximize the latter and minimize the former.
   

2. Struggle well. Do this by reaching out and letting others in when fear, worry or loneliness set in; don’t try to be the hero and go it alone. Likewise don’t demand answers — from life, a God, or even in some cases the medical community — when none are available or can satisfy; rather look for something meaningful in your situation, some “kernel of truth” in your experience that can carry you forward. Lastly, remind yourself that while you can’t control everything that happens in life, you always have a choice in how to respond to any given situation; you can take command of yourself in feeling, thought, and action.
   

3. Discover Your Growing Edge. It’s helpful when faced with some kind of challenge or health concern to ask yourself, “What is most at stake for me about this experience?” “How am I being asked to grow?” “What about this situation matters most to me, and how am I going to allow it to affect me today and going forward?” Asking these questions focuses your energy and leverages your emotions for good so that you can gain insight and identify your growing edge, and recommit yourself with confidence in a better tomorrow.
   

4. Monitor Yourself. If feelings of sadness, anxiety or loneliness persist; if you are being overcome by a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, have ongoing irritability, restlessness, tiredness or fatigue, or a persistent loss of energy; or if you notice a sustained change in appetite or sleeping patterns, then it might be time to seek professional care from your primary care physician or a mental health professional.

To be sure heart disease cuts to the heart of life, and it affects all areas of life. But while it may change our life, it doesn’t have to take away our ability to have a full life, everyday, come what may.

Stop for a Moment…

Stop for a moment and what do you see?
A tide flowing, a sun setting, a heart breaking, a heart overflowing…what?

Stop for a moment and what do you hear?
A bell tolling, a child laughing, a cry of pain, a plea for help…what?

Stop for a moment and what do you feel?
The warmth of a loved one, the chill of reality, a gripping fear, the fullness of life…what?

Stop for a moment and what do you smell?
The sweat of endurance, a bouquet of love, the perfume of victory, the stench of disappointment…what?

Stop for a moment and what do you taste?
The fruit of life, the salt of life, the bitterness of life, the sweetness of life…what?


If you only make one change today, take a moment just to stop and savor whatever it is that life's presenting you -- whether that's up or down, within or around. When you do, you start again with new perspective and new power.

ARE YOU LIVING YOUR VALUES?

We all have values. But too often we are content to merely recite them, bear them as a mark of our goodness, or judge others by whether or not they live up to them, and less ready to understand what drives them and how we apply them in life. Sometimes the values we actually have and live by look very different from the ones that we claim to have or would like to have and live by. If you really want to know what your values are, and whether or not you are living them as you'd like to be, ask yourself these questions. The answers may surprise you!

Consider:

• Who or what who do I give priority to in my life? What takes precedence above other things
• What will I always work for, find time to do, and invest in? What will I easily let go of or walk away from?
• What are the people, communities, interests, and situations that I actually pursue or feel attracted to?
• What do I stand up for? What do I stand against?
• What are my prized possessions? What would I never sell or give away? What am I unwilling to live without?
• Who or what most brings out my empathy? What am I outraged by? What world issues cause me pain? What do I do about it?
• Who do I look up to? What about their character and values inspire me?

Finish the following phrases:

• I will never . . .
• I dream about . . .
• I'd hate myself if I . . .
• I enjoy being around people who or situations that . . .
• If there is one thing in the world that I could change, it would be . . .

Make a list of declarative statements that describes your values; don't merely list what they are. For example: "When the crowd goes in one direction, I often go in the other." Or "I abhor any type of cruelty," Or "I'd like to be remembered as a person of conviction and compassion." Then ask yourself what does this say about your values?

Get others' input: Ask someone else, "If I told you the following things about myself, what might you con­clude I value?"

Only when we look at what we say and what we do can we start to understand how Value influences our lives. Moreover, only when we align what we feel, think, say, and do are we actually living our values.

Happiness: The Long Lost Fountain of Youth and the Elixir of Life

Whether literally or metaphorically, in legendary tales or even through the modern advances of science and technology, people time immemorial have been in search of the Fountain of Youth and the Elixir of Life, some extraordinary substance to sip or swallow that will sustain absolutely our energy, vitality, and life.

But while we know that “taking the waters” indeed flushes our system, regulates our body temperature, protects our organs and arteries, and helps with our metabolism, to date, no spring has sprung that ultimately prevents the body, and even the mind, from eventually withering, and in the end from ceasing to function as is it had.

Perhaps the long lost Fountain of Youth and the Elixir of Life lies not in some alchemical substance for the body, but rather in an essential substance for the spirit: happiness.

Like eternal youth and eternal life, we all long for eternal happiness. But too often we assume that the way to be happy is to merely “think” it into being (“If I think happy thoughts and don’t think unhappy thoughts, then I’ll be happy”; it’s as easy as that, right?) or command it to manifest in our life (“I will be happy if it kills me!”). Sure, optimism and determination are better than the alternatives: pessimism and apathy. But as I said in my book Stirred Not Shaken, happiness is discovered, not demanded; moreover it results when our attitude, aptitudes, and actions are in line with our choices, creations, and contributions.

• Happy are those who are honest, for they live with intention.
• Happy are those who stay focused on what is right and real, for they have discernment.
• Happy are those who take responsibility for their attitude and actions, and follow their own moral compass, for they live with dignity.
• Happy are those who persevere, for they will always sustain and flourish.
• Happy are those who confront uncertain situations with confidence and poise, for they have courage.
• Happy are those who keep their hearts open and their egos in check, for they have humility.
• Happy are those who endure through moderation and perspective, for they have patience.
• Happy are those who are empathetic—who remain connected to others and the world around them, for they will always retain their humanity.
• Happy are those who see that “right,” not revenge, is done, for they are just.
• Happy are those who reach out and let others in, for they know love.
• Happy are those who are in command of themselves: body, mind, and spirit, for they live with integrity.
• Happy are those who are interested and invest in creating and contributing, for they are stewards of the world.
• Happy are those who relinquish the need for control and embrace the unknown, for they are free.
• Happy are those who will the good, for they touch the sublime and experience eternity.

We may not have a panacea for disease and degeneration, but we do have a cure-all for dispiritedness and despair: happiness. And while we may not be able to live forever as we are now, we can live as happily and as completely as we can, full of life and rich in spirit. For more information on what it takes to be happy, healthy, and whole, click here and get Stirred.

Six Sure-Fire Strategies to Deal with Summer Stress

Summer may be in full swing, but for many of us, the warmth of the sun isn’t the only thing we’re feeling bearing down upon us: Stress. And its weight can dampen our spirit like the season’s humidity does to our hair.

Summer stress may seem like an oxymoron, but in fact, the long days, time off, flexible schedules, even extra hours with family and friends can easily turn up the heat on our need to micro-manage our relaxation and construct the “perfect” summer vacation. MESSAGE TO SELF: We’ve waited all year for this. It won’t last forever. So it has to be just right!

Well I’ve got another message for the remainder of summer’s retreat: let it go, let it flow, and live into it. In other words, replace the need for perfection with the desire for experience. Trade in summer stress for summer spirit! Here are six sure-fire strategies to help you do this.

1. Clear the calendar of “shoulds,” “must-dos,” and “because others are” and focus on “would like tos,” “why nots” and “have always longed tos.” When we do things that are truly meaningful to us, something that gives us a greater sense of peace and place, significance and satisfaction, we create an experience and a memory that will carry us through all the seasons of our lives and help us to be—and stay— well.

2. Do something that makes a difference, something that’s important to you, something that really matters. Maybe it’s something you’ve never done before. Maybe it’s something you’ve been intending to do, but keep putting off. Whatever it is, do it, and make sure it speaks to some inner passion or ultimate concern, something that reminds you that you have “miles to go before you sleep.”

3. Invest in something valuable—not necessarily something expensive or trendy; rather something or someone worthy of your time and energy. Perhaps it is a purchase, like a new bike that helps you get some exercise and enjoy the outdoors, or an old-fashioned soft serve ice cream cone that conjures up great childhood memories, or a picnic basket to go on a family outing. Then again maybe it’s simply a new friendship, an opportunity to volunteer your time, or an idea that gets your juices flowing. Remember, if it feels right and real, then it’s definitely worthwhile.

4. Put yourself out there in some new or exciting way. Do you like to read? Join a book club and see what others have to say about the stories you care about. If you’re heading to the beach or a camp site invite, an old friend you found on Facebook, or share a blanket or a fire pit with someone you just met. Bonding is a definite stress-buster, but sometimes the “bigger bang” and the more memorable experience, is connecting with a new face or place, instead of the same old-same old.

5. Say “yes” to life, either loud and proud, or quite and in private, especially when challenges get you down, when the stress piles on, or when the wind is gone from your sails. Just because summer’s here, doesn’t mean all is light and bright. Sometimes adversity strikes and things turn dark and dim. The key is to leverage your spirit in order find within your “cold, bleak winter” an invincible summer, one that reminds you that life is always worth living come what may.

6. Soak up more than the sun. Soak up and savor the sublime, the extraordinary, the wonderful and the awesome—inhale the fullness of life. Set aside your daily tasks and to-do lists. Get passed the monotony of life…even the routines of summer life! And let yourself and your spirit be stirred, stimulated, inspired.

Summer is a time we all look forward to throughout the year. But instead of trying to make each moment picture perfect, allow each moment to be what it can be and will be. Let life surprise you each day in any number of ways. And when summer stress sneaks up on you, remember: let your energy flow, get yourself on, and live into it!

Does Technology Serve You Or Do You Serve It?

If technology is supposed to make life easier, why then do so many of us continue to feel so crazed all the time? Perhaps it’s because we're not using technology to serve us, like helping to simply our lives and to satisfy our deepest desires, but are instead serving it; in other words treating technology as an idol to which we are beholden or as our master for whom we are enslaved.

Innovation is one of the greatest things human beings can do; it is an indelible mark of Spiritful Living and a necessary ingredient for spirit wellness. But when we become obsessed either by the drive for it, or the technology that often results from it (like checking our emails and voicemails at all hours of the day, not knowing when to stop posting on Facebook or a forum, tweeting like a caged bird, watching television or movies just because they’re on, thinking of “together time” as two people with four ear-buds, and so forth), we stop being human--we stop living.

Consider these three tech tips for a better life:

1. Be mindful of how frequently, how intensely, and how long you use technology (i.e. computer, cell phone, regular phone, email, iPod, DVD, etc.), and set boundaries. If it feels like excess, then it probably is.
   
   
2. Know when you’re being enthusiastic and when you’re obsessing. If you’ve truly got something worthwhile to communicate, then by all means do so. If you want to connect with a friend or colleague, go for it. If sound makes your spirit soar, definitely plug in. But when the absence of technology is painful, and you’re feeling the tug of techno-tyranny, then it’s time to pull the plug out.
   
   
3. Remind yourself that the wonders of technology are admirable only when they serve our individual and collective needs and desires. When a cell phone call can ease the anxious mind of a parent whose child isn’t home when they should’ve been. Or when a favorite television show makes the hassles of a long day disappear. Or when the iPad makes reading a good book more accessible, then technology is working the way it is intended. But when we are filled with resentment because we feel obligated again to “work late” at home. Or envious because we think we don’t measure up since our gadgets are outdated. Or rageful when all hell breaks loose because the technology has failed us, then it’s not working for us as it can and should.

Remember, the sound of silence can be as meaningful and transcendent as those coming though the speakers. No upgrade will ever be as fulfilling or worthwhile as a good laugh, a good meal, a good insight, or good friends. And the Facebook sound bites, the tweety quips, and the email emoticons can never compete with a good hug, a purposeful touch, or the physical presence of another person.